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You go out, you do your best and the universe shits on you.

The last number on my bib is 9. So far this season a lucky number, but today it placed me second the last. The folks in dead last get a six pack of beer and a guaranteed spot up front next week, so second to last is really the true complete losers of the field for that day. I didn’t care though, I had my new tubulars, my head was on straight, I had pre-rode the course and I felt like I ate enough but not too much to throw up. Even at the start with the spinning wheels, bodies everywhere, dust in the air, and the cheering crowds things went well for me as I moved up a fair amount. Descending into the forest towards some mud, I muscled my way into position and followed the perfect line and continued to work my way past people. Things were looking up.

Of course I’m panting as usual but there is a sense of fearlessness surging through me. Some of the descents felt more like fast mountain single track, I was flying, in control and beaming with joy. For one hill I did mistime my shifting and ended up losing a lot of ground as I heaved my way up…one…slow…peddle stroke…after another…until I could get to a spot to downshift. By the time I saw 3 laps to go I was loving this race. I didn’t know where I was at but I was not losing ground to my rivals and gosh darnit, I was having fun.

I did go through my ritual mental anguish of pain and doubt, wondering what drives me to do this and debating a quick exit. The money, the time, the stress, it all comes down to this odd hour of racing that forces you to dig into places you don’t normally go. Today, I dug deeper in search of my strength. What emerged was a bit of crazy and a flat front wheel. The crazy I could deal with but the flat brought me to tears. I flatted just before the pit where I decided a mere 45 minutes ago to NOT put my second bike in because it was too far. I was mad at myself, the organizers for putting the pit just out of my lazy zone, and the universe for callously throwing away what little joy I was having. Even the time seemed odd. I was in a non bumpy, non rocky, smooth fun section. I had just used some of that crazy I had found to nudge passed this guy who was determined not to be nudged. I was elated at my determination and forcefulness when my tire went dead. And just like that the universe changed it’s tune and sent me home crying.